Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been 2 years since my last physical. No, let me tell the truth the reason I scheduled this one was I was losing my mind and gaining around my midsection - alot.
It had to be my thyroid.
So I scheduled my appointment 1 month in advance, because that's how busy my doctor is, or is it how busy he wants me to see? I arrive, ON TIME, and check in for my appointment.
I think that all doctors set up waiting rooms to scare patients away so they don't have to treat them. They stick you in a tiny room with a bunch of sick people, hidden cameras, laughing wondering when you are going to crack and just leave.
Me? I was a trooper. I'd made the appointment in advance, so I was going to keep it - no matter what. I quickly sidestepped the person coming up the stairs trying desperately to sneeze in my face. I felt the mist of their germs go by my face as I tucked and rolled over to my area of the waiting room.
In the doctor's waiting room there are two types of people. The ones that want to be there and spend that quality time with the doctor (hypochondriac) and those that are just freaky. You know them, the little kids that sit across from you in the waiting room and stare at you. Until finally you can't take it and look at them and say, "WHAT?" It is a given that nobody talks in the waiting room because if you tell someone your illness, ThEY MAY ACTUALLY GET IT! Then out of all the available seats in the waiting room, the really sick person comes to sit right next to you, trying to make you feel better by looking at you with sad eyes, the mask on them covering their welcoming smile. Yes, no one, not a single person understands personal space.If you don't feel strange in a doctor's office, then the questions on the "get to know you" form should help.
Do you have loose bowels?
Is some one hitting you now?
Do you feel uncomfortable at home?
What are you allergic to?
It's easy to answer those:
Do you have loose bowels? Loose vowels - yes, but loose bowels - no.
Is some one hitting you now? Uh, hitting on me or hitting me because to both - no.
Do you feel uncomfortable at home? Have you seen my home? Uh, yes so send the housekeeper over.
What are you allergic to? Dust but it hasn't made me clean yet!
So after 45 minutes of keeping myself out of Ebola woman's way, I am finally called back for my examination. Or so I thought.
I walk back and they start with the army's way of breaking us down.
"Let's get your weight." I step on the scale, she yells the weight out, I follow her yelling by yelling, "This is with my shoes on!"
Then she takes my height, looks at my chart, then at me and mutters, "Well we seem to be shrinking." I look at her, "Well you could have let me keep my heels on!"
Then they take a note from Disney. They take you to a room, make you feel that the doctor will be there any minute, give you the see through pieces of paper to wear as gowns and take a few vital signs.
"Blood pressure looks good."
"Heart rate is excellent."
"Do you smoke? No! Good."
"Do you drink alcohol?" Very long pause. "Ok, let me note that down.
"Do you take illegal drugs? what? Oh the alcohol takes care of that? Let me note that down."
"Do you have to go to the bathroom? No, not to flush your illegal drugs? Because we need a urine sample."
She then leaves me in the room. So how does the doctor think like Disney? They make you wait in a room with people you don't know. Then they give you the false hope that you are going back and actually getting you somewhere. Then they put in a place you can't get out of - like a snaking line that you didn't realize continued around the corner, in this case it is the paper gown lying naked on the table. So you are stuck.
Naked.
Wondering how long you will wait.
In my case another 45 minutes. I fell asleep on the table, in the PAPER GOWN, that's how long I waited. I woke up drooling on the paper table, the paper gown open all my paper insides in the glorious to see, but alas, no doctor.When he finally came in, he didn't look like Prince Charming, he didn't even look like Johnny Depp, just my doctor going through the motions.
"Well at your age these types of changes in your body are normal."
"Oh, these are the beginnings of those black spots you see on old people, don't worry they are hereditary."
*chuckle* "Yes, let me order some bloodwork for your thyroid, but at your age you may want to think about cutting back on the carbohydrates." (was he making a drinking symbol with his hand?)
My visit with the doctor lasts 20 minutes. The passing out when they took the blood for tests another 30 minutes, but once I got out of there I felt like a million bucks.
There is no way that anyone sick could last that long in a doctor's office. No way.
You always make me laugh. I totally agree. There is absolutely no way that a sick person could or should be subjected to an entire morning of waiting around at the germy mixer where all nasty viruses and such come to socialize. Your account is a big part of the reason I haven't seen a doctor in over six years. I'd rather ride whatever it is out with natural remedies (and by that, I mean hot toddies) than deal with the torturous Dr.'s office visit.
ReplyDelete