Another Shitty Day in Paradise

I will not get on my soap box about sickness.  If you are sick, and you know what you have is contagious - why the hell, would you go out and be around the human population?  For God's sake, stay home until you are well and people will not HATE you!


That being said, we have had a few shitty days in paradise.

Out first day on the snow was blizzard type conditions, snow sideways, and many lifts closed due to wind.  So what do we do - dress up in as many layers as possible and GO OUT anyway!

We make it until about 3pm when one of the kids looks at me and says (very seriously) "I must get to a lodge immediately."

Well, what the hell does that mean?  My mother's intuition says, "He means it, get him there immediately."

We take the lift up and made our way to the lodge, I'm thinking, "It can't be that bad."

Well, I was wrong.

My poor child, racing for the bathroom runs in, past this poor dude, holding the mop, obviously cleaning up after someone else, and proceeds to empty everything in his stomach all over the bathroom.  A trail of green colored vomit that runs across both sinks, along the floor, and all over the toilet he finally made it to.

I look at the poor kid with a mop.

His face is white.  It looks like, "what the hell, you gotta be shitting me?"  I almost say, "oh the shit is ready to hit now."

The poor child, moves from covering the sinks to covering the toilets.  As I wonder how could something affect so much so quickly?  Feeling bad, I tip the white faced guy holding a mop 20 bucks, the poor guy deserves it for having to do such a shitty job!

What do we do?  He's sitting at the Summit of the mountain hugging a trash can.

The poor child ends up in the toboggan behind ski patrol snowmobile as his only way off the mountain.

Me?  I ski down grab the car and run over to pick him up.  Side note:  Guy who comes up and says to me, "Obviously you didn't read the sigh, get you car out of this area."

Of course, full Mom kicks in.  I turn to him,  "Listen, had you stopped and asked me the situation, I could have said it was an emergency and I was waiting for kid off the snowmobile.  But no, you assumed I was here for no reason and look like the asshole you are for saying that too me.  Oh, and since I am with my vehicle, had an emergency vehicle come up to pick my nephew up, well, I could have gotten out of the way."

Lesson learned - Don't mess with a Mom, especially when she knows she's got a shitty job ahead of her.

Of course I look it up - symptoms:  extreme vomiting, fever, extreme flatulence - wait a minute, that's why there was that nasty smell in the car on the trip?

The poor child spends the night sitting on the toilet while hugging a trash can.

Next day - another one wakes up with a "Mom, I think I just sharted my pants...."

A.  How does he know the word Sharted?
B.  Why do I have a stomach ache?
C.  Oh shit, how could a child project vomit that far?

Sometimes being a Mom can be a really shitty job......

Sometimes Life is Crap!

Do you deal with a lot of shit in your life?  Do you have stories like these?

I am born with the Irish gene, named Crapish.  This means that whenever I walk into any type of shopping situation, I get excited and have to go to the bathroom.  Really, I'm pushing the wenches out of the way in Target to get to the stall in time.  Oh and the bookstore?  I can't go in there until 3 cups of coffee later, I've done my duty.

I also holding the lucky name of Deer in the Headlights, that's because I've been caught more times than Bambi hiding behind a tree on a morning run.  One poor lady didn't believe my, "I'm putting human scent here to scare the deer away from the hunters," the third morning in a row.


I also have Shitraction, that means that any bathroom I visit when traveling has to be the worst bathroom in the country.  I've seen plastic lawn chairs with a hole cut in the middle of them over a 5 gallon bucket in Mexico,  a hole in the floor with two "put your feet here" stones so you can squat and aim (I finally understood why every woman in Japan always has tissue on them).  One of my favorites was a statue of a nekkid man in the bathroom at a bar, with a fig leaf over his Hahoo.  Of course, when I lifted the leaf to have a peek, I did not know that a light was going off in the bar telling everyone.  The applause I received when coming out of the bathroom was knowledge enough that I'd been busted.

I've broken up with port a Johns during my running races.  The worst bathroom I've ever seen is a port a john during a marathon in Virginia Beach.  I swear someone must have opened the door to the toilet, stuck their butt in and went.  Shut the door and kept on running.  One of those, '"how did it get there," type moments. Scarred for life on that one, scarred for life.  I'd rather dive into the woods than risk seeing that again.

I have the nickname of Crapola when it comes to luck.  When I am trying to have a "private" moment to myself, that's usually when the Mom walks in with the small child who promptly wails, "Mom, it STINKS in here.  OH GOD, what is that smell."  Better yet, the only bathroom that had a working lock at an airport was the handicap stall, the problem, I found out a few minutes later was the lock worked but the toilet didn't.  Looking down and watching the wheels roll up to the stall just made a shitty situation turn worse.

My handyman calls me the Craplord rather than a Landlord, I had a tenant call and say that there was a "slight" smell in their home.  I went over to find that the main sewer pipe broke and there was 3 feet of crap in the crawl space under their home.  I asked them if they didn't "SMELL" anything?  They said a slight sulfer smell, a slight sulfer smell?  Slight?  After 400 to Forsyth Rooter to pump out the crap, then another 3K to hazmat out my handyman, crawl under there, lay down lime, plastic, lime, plastic and fix the pipe - for some reason he's not answering my calls right now.

So there you see, I've become a strong woman because I can take a lot of crap - literally and figuratively.  So don't give me any of your shit, because you don't know what I will do with it.