Drill Baby Drill

Recently I've taken to Almond Trail Mix but my back molar did not.  After eating some I felt something moving in the back of my mouth, reached back and pulled out part of my tooth.  My significant other and the two spawns all recoiled in horror as I presented my prize to them, "Oh look, here's a piece of my tooth."

I called the dentist the next morning and was casually informed that the only open appointment was in two and a half weeks.

"What?  I've got the Grand Canyon in the back of my mouth.  Do you want me to take a picture of it and send it to you?"

"No Mrs. Melang, does it hurt?"

"No?"

"Then keep it especially clean and we'll see you in two weeks."

I hung up mad at myself for not saying, "Oh it's killing me, there's a river of blood running out my mouth and down the floor!"

But I waited the two weeks, driving everyone crazy because anyone with a broken tooth knows that if something is missing in your mouth, your tongue has to go and check every 6 seconds that it is actually missing.

"Will you stop it, you look like a bad porn flick," my sweet husband told me as I sat next to him in a restaurant, my tongue moving around the open gap in my teeth.

"I can't help it," I replied and made sure, yep the part of the tooth was still missing.

Much to everyone's relief I finally made it to the dentist for my crown. The family dentist for years, he took one look in my mouth and asked, "What did you do there?"

"Uh doc, isn't it a little obvious, here let my tongue show you where the gaping hole is."

We started the crown procedure with a set of impressions.  This is where the assistant takes some purple silly putty, puts it in a metal container and pushes it into your mouth.  You have to wait there for 5 minutes desperately trying not to gag while she tells you some story about a sale currently at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Then the dentist is ready to start his little horror show.  "Here's some sun glasses."

"Oh Doc, can't you just knock me out rather than dimming the room?  Really there is no ambiance here even with rose colored glasses."

"Now close your eyes, there's going to be a little pinch," he says.  A few minutes go by, "Um Kelly, you are going to have to open your mouth.

"Oh!"  I close my eyes and much to my dismay, my mind goes directly to the biggest nastiest looking needle I've ever seen as I feel alittle movement around my gum.  I will myself to Shavasana as I feel some of the blood drain from my face.  There's more movement around my gum then he sits back, "Are you OK?"


"Namaste," I reply.

He laughed, "You did great, we'll have to wait a few minutes for that to take effect."

I am left in the room with my own thoughts.  They move from, God, I hate being here, to, that stupid popcorn kernel, to, I don't even want to think about how much this will cost.  When the dentist comes back in I'm grateful to see him, let his horror show drown out the horror show in my head.

He picks up an instrument and I immediately close my eyes.  It is one thing to hear the drill, it is another to see it as it is making its unearthly noise.  He goes to work on my tooth.

"So have you been running lately," he asks while drilling my tooth.

How am I supposed to answer that, "uggg, muyah, mousch."  Have you ever had the dentist ask you a question while knee deep in your mouth?

The drill is going to town and soon I see and smell smoke.  Is my mouth on fire?  Is that tooth tough enough that even a drill can't go through it.  How old is his equipment, is it shorting out.  Man, that smells nasty.

"Don't worry, the smell is some old filling made of acrylic we are clearing out, there's a little more here," he says looking intently into my mouth.  I feel a little more tugging at my tooth and after 20 agonizing minutes he's finished with the drilling.

"How does that feel," he asked.

"muthouch, beveth," I explain the left side of my mouth refusing to cooperate.

They put the temporary crown in, and then send me on my way.  I feel like elephant woman, the entire lower left half of my face is without feeling, when i stop to order coffee I sound like her too, "uph snoch lought pthewth."

Most of the people in the shop look at me like I am crazy, the same look I got from my family when probing the gaping hole in my mouth with my tongue.

What's the whole lesson learned in any of this?

Even with a broken tooth, you will not lose weight.
If someone wants to understand you, they will.
There's nothing sexy about rolling your tongue around in your mouth.
Don't worry if you see and smell smoke while a dentist is at work.
And we a nonprejudice society - everyone, even elephant woman is dealt with compassion.

oh, and the important one I learned the hard way.

Don't eat Laffy Taffy after your mouth finally gets feeling back.

Uphth a figthly wanhtght!