WTF - Laundry Edition

I always quote Robert Frost during Laundry Day:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

Mine is a little different, I smile and say:

Dirty Clothes are not lovely, but they are deep.

And I have promises to keep,

And Piles to go before I sleep,

And Piles to go before I sleep.

I realized there are two different versions to doing the laundry.

Mom's Guide to Laundry:

Put the Vics Petroleum Jelly under your nose to cut the smell.

Go into each room picking up all the clothes off the floor.

One damp because the dog though, well if it is there then I must pee on it.

Separate everything out into Whites, Colors and Darks.

Wash Whites on Hot, with a cup of bleach.

Wash colors on Warm.

Wash Darks on Cold.

Pull each piece from the washing machine, fluff before putting in the dryer, this helps them dry quicker.

Pull everything out, getting pissed off that every single T-shirt is inside out.

Fold all the clothes.

Set them on beds for your angelic children to put away.

Easy right?

Kids Guide To Laundry.

Make sure everything is inside out. 

You underwear belongs still attached to your pants which are inside out.

Socks must be in tight balls, with several still snuggling under the covers of your bed.

Stuff as much as you can into the washer.  Hot? Cold? Warm? They are all clothes!!

Do not empty pockets, wash two chap sticks, one pack of Kleenex and a Jolly Rancher Candy.

Don't check anything coming out of the wash, pull it all in one big lump and stuff in the dryer.

Turn the dryer on the hottest setting because this will dry the clothes faster.

Pull everything out of the dryer.

Throw on your bed.

Wonder why you have oil stains on your jeans until you find empty Chapstick containers.

Move everything to the floor when you go to bed.

Figure if it is on the floor, then it's dirty.

Rinse, repeat.

Of course, for those Frost lovers, here's my version of the entire poem:

Whose clothes are these I think I know.   

I bought at Recess a week ago;   

They do not wear them, instead   

Drop them to the floor, beside the bed.   

As a Mom, I must think it queer   

Finding clothes on the floor when a hamper is near   

Between the bed and closet door   

That extra step must be a chore.   

Picking up a shirt, I give it a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

I swear I just laundered this piece a day ago   

I never saw a child wear it tho.   

Dirty Clothes are not lovely, but they are deep.

And I have promises to keep,

And Piles to go before I sleep,

And Piles to go before I sleep.

Typical Melang Language

We, the Melangs have a language all our own. I thought I would share a few words with you.

Procaffinator - usually Mom, who procrastinates until that second cup of coffee finishing with a, "Oh shit!  We have ten minutes."

Goredom - that moment when you realize you've watched too many Walking Dead episodes and can still hear zombies after the television is off----looks over my shoulder.

Rerunuitis - watching  Criminal Minds episode until halfway through realizing you've seen this one before.

Reruneron - continuing watching that Criminal Minds because even thought you've seen it before you cannot remember the ending.

Ohyeahathon - finally getting to the end of that Criminal Minds and just as the climax comes, you remember the ending. Watching another episode of the show and the same thing happens again.

Suggestivitis - That fear that you may actually find out that your mother knows more than you do.

Expritius - a unknown fear of expiration dates on food, usually hitting children between the ages of 9-? where they cannot touch anything in the refrigerator that is two to four days from the expiration.

OJacardia - fear that the universe will implode if you consume the last drop of milk or OJ or any other liquid. Usually followed by Shelfopoly - putting the carton back on the shelf with that ominous last drop inside.

Ridiculitis  - the malady where a parent cannot stop laughing after a child gives explanation for current grades, usually followed by Severe Room Indenture - a childhood malady involving pale skin, non focusing pupils due to too much time spent in their room.

Teenager's Ear - this malady is usually accompanied by Fluttering Eyelid Syndrome when a parent asks them if they did all their chores.

Smeizure  - uncontrolled movement of arms, rolling of eyes, gnashing of teeth with possible loss of equilibrium the first five minutes after a parent takes a child's Smart Phone.

Gravity Assisted Stupidicus  - a child coming into the home, breathing heavy a large knot on their head staring with, "You are not going to believe this."

Incidentaloma - the brother coming in with Gravity Assisted Stupidicus causing failure to tell the whereabouts of his brother.

Life Receptical - the holding place of all things valuable - food, clothing, dishes, backpacks, sometimes called The Floor.

Fridgehole - the back part of the refrigerator holding your science experiments of the past 5 years, including the possible sister cell to Penicillin.

WTF - What a BEAUTIFUL Idea

So a friend send me this wonderful idea I thought I would share with you, and how my wicked twisted sense of humor took it.

It's called an Inspiration Jar - cue the whimsical music right here - where you fill a jar with beautiful writing prompts and each day (really? each day, are you kidding me? I'm lucky if I get a shower each day) you take out a prompt for meditation and journal writing.

OK, this does sound like fun, I have no problem creating the beautiful jar, then came the part of beautiful prompts.  Where does my mind go? You guessed it, right in the gutter, here's a few of my questions:

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why does my crap stink sometimes and other times it does, but my husbands stinks ALL THE TIME?

Why can't I tickle myself, and why do I want to?

What good does it do putting the empty box of Orange Juice back in the refrigerator?

Why does Google become a sick pervert when you use the letter U for a question rather than individual?  Seriously, try it!

Why is it when I get lost in any city, I always find the druggie neighborhood? Even with GPS?

What sicko created those 100 calorie packs of Oreos. A, they are not Oreos, and B, two cookies is not an acceptable number.

Why would a person every say they are a pathological liar? Aren't they lying?

Why can't I find anything anymore, I've moved into the "constant looking" phase of my life?

Do they ever have mattresses NOT on sale?

Why hasn't a psychic ever won the lottery?  Just saying.

Someone is messing with the sizing on clothes recently, haven't they?

They make bullet proof clothing, but I've never seen bullet proof pants?

The same doctor that delivered both of my children, leaves the room for me to undress into a gown that exposes everything anyway, why?

How do you know when sour cream is bad?

And finally, the one that really gets me.

My Grape Nuts has NO nuts, not a single one in it.

So go out there and create your beautiful writing prompt jar, or do what I do, clean out a Ketchup bottle and put it in there, because I never need a prompt, I look at the bottle thinking, "What is the different between Ketchup and FANCY Ketchup? It does get the creative juices flowing!

Honey, obviously they are your kids

There are certain times I quietly back away saying, "Honey, they are all yours."

Because obviously they didn't get it from me.

The love affair with Napoleon Dynamite, Hot Rod and Nacho Libre. It is sad that I can quote lines from these movies, even copying the dance from Napoleon. But to be fair, they can also quote lines from Maleficent, Jaws and Lord of the Rings.

The poop and fart jokes:
I honestly don't care when someone says, "but." But apparently this is cause for outrageous hilarity when it comes to my children. They don't get that from me.

Those Dad Proud moments:
When you can burp and say a word, especially "Grilled Cheese Sandwich"
When you come running out of the bathroom saying, "You gotta see this!"

The ability to not control their thoughts in public. Like standing in line in the grocery store and some poor soul "passes gas."  It starts with them looking at me, I'm busy holding my breath pretending nothing is going on.
They don't let it go from there, then lean close, whispering, "DO YOU SMELL THAT? Someone just LET one!"
When I still don't acknowledge this, they start looking around at all the other people standing in line, rolling their eyes, with a look saying, "Don't you smell that?"
Finally dramatically holding their noses.
They DO NOT get that from me.

The "sounded like a good idea" moments.
Jumping over a pole and almost skimming off the skin of their balls.
Putting the ladder next to the trampoline so they get a bigger bounce.
Waiting behind the couch, to head lock your brother dragging him across the floor.
Sitting on your brother and farting.

Sitting and watching the romantic comedy, I sigh but they hem and haw over every kiss, or explaining how scientifically impossible it is to have explosions in space due to lack of oxygen.

Walking around in their underwear, then completely freaking out when I do it.

Yes, I gave them their good looks and smarts, they obviously got all of the above from you.

WTF-National Novel Writing Month, the creative process

November becomes a blur each year as I embark on writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Luckily I've won every year for five years.  The whole point of this process is writing so fast your inner editor cannot correct or make you second guess your work. Thought I would share a little bit of the creative process with you:

Prepping for Novel Writing is the most stressful part of this process. This year I had two ideas jostling in my brain for first dibs, both interesting ideas.

How did I get these ideas? Dreaming!  Isn't it crazy. I can dream an entire novel, or a scene that leaves me so breathless I have to structure something around it.  Both ideas came in a dream, me quickly writing them down in a journal beside the bed so I don't forget them. Once the ideas sets, the obsession starts, where I cannot stop thinking about them, so I start notebooks for each idea, further embellishing the idea.

I thought about writing two books in one month, but one idea backed down the other took hold. My goal is finishing the one book early and starting the next,  effectively writing two novels before the end of the year. Next time you see me, hold me to that promise.

Here's the hard part.  The ideas came to me beginning of October and since I am a purist, I could not write the first word of the story until Nov 1st.  That's not the easiest thing to do, because when an idea takes hold, everything in your system wants to flesh it out, you want to start writing. I keep the faith by writing notes about characters, possible scenes, anything keeping me from writing that first line.

It's always hard telling people my ideas for stories because when I talk about an idea it becomes real and sometimes sounds a lot weirder than what's going on in my head. It's hard to explain werwolves and stuff in a serious tone without people looking at you like you are crazy. Well, maybe I am crazy, but these people in my head are real to me.

Now that I got the first day out of the way and 4,000 words down, I'm feeling pretty good. Do I remember most of what I wrote? Not a thing.  Usually the good stuff I don't remember writing, that's when the brain takes over and I'm just the poor sap typing at the keyboard. It is fun going back and re-reading what I wrote because sometimes I'm like, "Damn, that's some pretty good shit."

So my story has notes, it has characters, specifically Ben, Toby, Jane, Chloe, and the tall stranger.  It now has a beginning, and as the month rolls along a middle and an end.  Maybe I'll take a nap to see if I can dream a little more of it.  Oh creativity, you are so fickle.

Good luck to other NANOers, here's to toasting 50K in words before the end of November!

Oh and what will I do with the other 5 novels I've written? I've edited two and need a proofer, one  is part of a series, I'm editing Novel #1. My other goal is to get my work out there and move into publishing some of this stuff.  That's another post at another time about courage and sharing your work!!

WTF -- Do not watch a movie with the hubby!

Note to self-do not watch any movie involving airplanes and helicopters with Jeff Melang​.

We watched San Andreas with The Rock

To me, I'm just looking to be entertained, great visual effects of San Francisco demolished, the Hoover Dam collapsing, and of course the best visual effect - The Rock or Dwayne Johnson.

My husband on the other hand, the man that always reminds me during every SCIFI movie that you cannot have explosions in space due to lack of oxygen, saw a different movie.  It did not help that the movie included a Dodge Caravan airplane, one that Jeff sells on a regular basis.

"What ! The Caravan does not sound like a piston engine when it starts."
"They should have already run out of fuel by now."
"That interior doesn't look right."

I ignored most of the comments he made until he totally lost it on one part:

"There is NO SUCH THING as a HOVER button on a helicopter!  I'm writing a letter."

He went on to research the helicopter, and talk about the "Hover" button for the rest of the movie.

I guess he was watching for all the mechanical parts of the movie for accuracy because he totally missed that the Rock had a completely lily white family.

How they survive explosions with blood all over their face, then are completely clean the next scene, we didn't even see the extra tub of Pampers wipes somewhere in the helicopter.

Or how their clothes could take so much abuse from explosions and fire and other parts of the disaster and stay in one piece?  I want Spankz made out of that material.

There is so many ways the Rock and his family get out of disaster after disaster that it almost didn't seem real but then I remembered....

It was the Rock, so of course it was real.

All in all a great entertaining movie, just do go into the details.

WTF - My Fall To-Do List vs. Reality

In case you haven't noticed, it's Fall Ya'll!  And in order for my family to have the proper fall experience, I've made my bucket list.  Insert long family sigh here, because I've now moved from the Summer Nazi to the Fall Nazi.

Create your bucket list of fall activities they say.

It will be fun, they say.

1.  Apple Picking and Cider -  skipping through the orchards as a family, holding hands commenting on the beautiful fall colors.

Reality - arguing to the orchard.  Someone getting stung by a bee because of all the rotten apples under the trees, the other moaning about the awful smell of rotten apples, arguing on the way home.

2.  Go on a hayride - beautiful fall day, singing Kumbaya riding together as a family.

Reality - sitting on hay bales remembering how stray pieces of hay actually can puncture through your pants to the Haunted Maze,  getting the shit scared out of me by some freaky clown, chased by dudes with chainsaws, sitting on the uncomfortable hayride back to your car.  Oh, and paying big bucks for the experience.

3.  Eat Pumpkin Pie - a touch of pumpkin pie to celebrate the season.

Reality - the whole pumpkin pie, 1,264 Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Pumpkin bread, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin blonde brownies, pumpkin gnocchi, oh and of course, pumpkin beer. Why are my jeans tight?

4. Go on a nature walk - ride the Blue Ridge Parkway getting the perfect Instagram picture of the leaves.

Reality - kids arguing in the car, no one wanting to walk UP the trail because that's work. The dog puking in the car from all the turns, finally doing it by myself taking a selfie for Instagram.

5.  Carve a Pumpkin. Find beautiful carving templates on Pinterest, buy special carving tools including a drill bit for detail, buy 4 pumpkins because you want to "theme" your carvings and each family member should carve their own pumpkin.

Reality - two pumpkins get stolen by the bears.  One falls off the porch smashing, the last is lucky getting two triangle eyes, one triangle nose, and some type of toothless mouth, delete Pinterest board you created because it makes you feel lame.

6. Wood burning fire with s'mores,  hot chocolate and good times.

Reality - 16 firestarters used creating the fires. One child almost setting the other on fire holding the flaming marshmallow to close to his hair.  No one likes burnt marshmallows.  Realizing I ate most of the chocolate that day so we are rationing the s'mores. Everyone complaining about the smoke of the fire, finally retiring inside because it is too cold.

7. Make Caramel Apples from Orchard Visit (see #1) bonding time in the kitchen melting caramel, picking out types of nuts making a sweet treat we sit around the table eating and talking.

Reality - Mom ate all the caramel.  Apples are better for you without candy on them.

Finally, that Thanksgiving month where you are supposed to post every day what you are thankful for, a lesson learning gratitude and that what you have is enough.

Reality - Running out of things to say after Day 10.

What's your Fall Bucket List?  Do things ever go as planned?