Advice for dealing with Feral Children

The other day, I was sitting and relaxing at an outdoor cafe, enjoying the quiet when I heard a waiter say to a table next to me, "Be careful when you leave, there's a band of feral children roaming the docks."  Of course, I paid my bill quietly, and slid out the side door of the restaurant so no one would see that they are actually my children.

Feral - a domestic animal that has turned wild.

Here's some facts about Feral Children:

Feral Children are left by parents -  usually on docks while they party in boats, on the beach while they party at the beachside bar, or in the mall while they try on underwear.  These children are recognized by the wild look in their eyes, the disheveled hair, and the powdered doughnut sugar caked on their side of their lips..


You cannot catch a feral child like a normal child.  You cannot call them and they will come to you.  You must coax a feral child with something they understand, and open Butterfinger, or a line of Skittles.

Feral Children are usually not indigenous to the area and when introduced can cause harm - they are known to trample local flora and fauna, decimate the sugar stores and usually taint the water supply.

Feral Children have been blamed for the extinction of 26 species - including the "responsible child," the "well behaved child" and a long extinct candy called, "Zots."

Feral Children left unchecked are known to multiply by pulling often domesticated children into their Gang or Band.  Domesticated Children should be kept inside with a book or tempted by a game of pinocle if there is a Feral Child in the area.

Feral Children - if you show them attention they will not leave.  They are known to break every knob off your boat, knock over drinks at that beachside getaway and even follow you in the mall making fatrt noises..

If you need to scare a Feral Child away, offer them a healthy alternative to their diet of Skittles, Ice Cream and Soda, especially something like "milk."

Keeping Feral Children away from a restaurant table is a little more difficult, many claim saying "I have no more money," does the trick, we have found they will then attempt to eat from your basket of fries.

Keeping a Feral Children away from your home is as easy as putting out a tub of clean bath water, we're not sure what bath water does to them but it is a great deterrent.

Feral Children are descents of domesticated humans left by travelers.  Sometimes the travelers come back and claim their children, many times the children find their parents again and attach themselves to them again.

History of Feral Children:

Feral Children were introduced into the wild to control the population of local humans.  Originally, their behavior was used to scare any teenagers from having children, and to help local parents understand the effect of children on the local population.

When the population of Feral Children exploded, a local Predator was introduced to help control them. It is called the school and is known to corral Feral Children for their introduction into humanity.  If you spot Feral Children in the wild and School is not available, a safe alternative is Vacation Bible School.

We cannot help all Feral Children, sometimes there are those few that slip through the cracks.  These children blend into society as Dixie Classic Ride Park Operators, Lemonade Stand operators, or possibly,  hand models.

Keep your children close, don't let the Feral Children influence you.  Make the right decisions!