I am Kelly Slater - NOT!

So what do you do when another birthday is looming next week, wallow in getting older, feeling sorry for yourself as more creaks and groans come out of your body?  No, you do what any insane person does, you go out and sign up for surf lessons!

Sure, I watched Gidget many a time, I love Point Break so with all my movie knowledge, I thought, "How hard can this be?"  I can snowboard, I can fall off a skateboard gracefully, I can swim (it's not pretty but accomplished) so I go with my boys and stand on the beach, getting my lesson from Joe.  Joe, who's butt we all became intensely acquainted with each time he bent down and showed us something on the surf board.  We all muffled chuckled when he talked about the "sweet spot" and his crack was hanging out.  Luckily for Joe, it wasn't plumber's butt, he was in good shape and as we got out there with our boards, I understood why.

Do you know how hard it is to get the dang board out past the waves?  We had wind, we had 25 foot swells (ok, 4 feet but they still looked pretty big) and the worst part was trying to get myself and my board out to where we could catch a wave in.  I felt like I was being slapped by the ocean each time I made any progress to Joe out there waiting for me.

"Point the board toward the wave as you walk out," Joe yells.

I find out why when the board hits me in the face as the first wave hits it.

"You want to get out past the white water,"  Joe says.

I find out why as the next wave takes the board and hits me in the butt.  The third wave takes the board back to the shore, me, leashed to it dragging behind.  I've been out 10 minutes, am out of breath, thinking, "Dang, now I gotta start all over and get the stupid thing back out there?"

20 minutes, 2 gallons of salt water, I can barely breath, he grabs me and the board, says, "Be one with the ocean," and pushes me off into a wave while I'm trying to turn back to him saying, "What?"

I find the "sweet spot," get my knees up, try to stand, fall off the board swallow a gallon of water, only to hear Joe out there yelling, "Come on bring the board back out!"

"What?"  As the next wave hits me in the face.

The worst part?  Each surfable wave lasts 9.72 seconds of which 3.67 you are standing before falling off.  After killing myself for 20 minutes getting the board out there, Henry, my new instructor grabs me and the board says, "Quick, there's a wave, catch it."  I catch the thing stand up for my 3.67 seconds, fall off and end up at the shore thinking, "Dang, now I got to push that thing back out there again!"

I felt bad for my instructor Henry - I'm not the most coordinated person at the rodeo.  So getting on the board means opening my legs wider than a prostitute on call, and each blast of the wave behind pulls my shirt up to my neck and my board shorts off my butt.  Poor Henry, my instructor holding the board.  He shouldn't have to see that.  No one should have to see that.  After a few attempts, I pause for a moment, out of breath and say, "Henry,  I'm sorry I keep mooning you every time I get on the board.".  I'm secretly glad that I am not with 15 year old looking Austin, but with Henry, who is as old or older than me, hoping that he has a wife that has the same dimpled vampire white flesh, so I'm not scaring him half to death.  Henry doesn't seem to care, he's busy saying, "Hurry, there's a wave."  I'm thinking, "Wait, can I please pull my bathing suit out of my butt cheeks?"  Off I go, this time I end up lying on the beach with my shorts hanging on for dear life.

But you know what?  I got up and did it again, and at the end of the day - bruised, broken and exhausted we all look at each other and say, "Man that was fun!"

What have I learned?  Surfing is like birth, everyone lets it all hang out, no one cares about butt crack, or dimples or vampire white flesh.  I'm not sure what being one with the ocean means, unless it means taking the ocean in one gallon of salt water swallowed at a time - then I was ONE with the ocean.  That  you should make sure someone takes your picture holding the board on the beach, it looks much better than the action shots with the bathing suit falling off!  I'm never too old to try something new, it just hurts a little more now!

So what's up next?