WTF - The Silent Treatment

Trying to put in a new stove, is a lesson in carts and horses, and carrots.  I start with the trip to Lowes for appliance shopping (Insert my squeal of glee here).  I find exactly what I want, put in the order then find out I am putting the cart before the horse, holding a carrot.

"So do you have the gas installed?"
"No."
"What size is your current appliance?"
"I don't know."
The appliance guy looks at me and sighs, "You'll have to have the gas company out to survey and put in the tank.  Then measure what you have and make sure this appliance will fit.  I'll put it on hold for you."

I call the gas company, setting up my appointment.  Gas companies are like satellite network companies, the guys come out and plop the thing in the worst possible place.  When I lived in Georgia, the satellite guy came, I went to the grocery store and found the dish in the middle of my front yard for "great reception."  Later after much arguing I found out the installer was afraid of heights and didn't want to crawl onto the roof of my home.  Was this going to be a battle?  If so, It was one I was going to win.

The gas company sent out two warriors on their plan to put a propane tank as an eyesore somewhere on my property.  I, only a lone warrior myself, prepared my battle plan.  I'd watched Hercules the night before, as I saw them marching towards me in formation I silently said, "Hold the line.  Do not budge."

We introduced ourselves, then stood around in silence.  Finally, I couldn't stand it, "So, we are looking for a propane tank for a stove and a connection to the grill."

They looked at me, then at each other.  What were they thinking?  Oh, this will be fun, let's get this chick to put a tank by her front door.  Finally one said, "Let's take a walk around the property."

I envisioned holding up my shield as we walked around the property.  They stopped, "Here is a good spot for the tank, it will be easy to fill from here."

I look at the spot, right next to the house, where everyone can see it, including Beech Mountain who would cite me for eyesore and require lattice built around it.  "No, we want it back here behind the house."  I point to the area.

They both stand there looking where I pointed, not saying a word.  What are they thinking now?  I must hold the line.  Maybe it isn't the right place?  Maybe we could put it where they said, they are the experts.  No, hold the line, put it in the back.  So we all stand there for a few minutes in silence looking at the place I want the tank.  I just look with them, holding my tongue, screaming inside my head.

They walk, I follow them.  "We could go in the back yard, on a platform with the lattice around it.  That way it is off the street."

I look at them.  "Then I'll be sitting on my back porch looking at a propane tank rather than the forest.  I want it over there by the garage where no one will see it."

Silence again.  We all stand there looking into the woods.  I'm wondering what they see, what is the next battle strategy?

Without a word, we walk up on the porch, he points to where the oven line would come out, asking about the grill line.  I show him the spot where we grill.

"The grill line has to be ten feet from the structure." He says quietly.

We all stand and stare at the place I want the grill line, 9 feet 34 inches.  It is a silent battle, I think they want me to say, "Oh, OK put the grill line on the front of the house then, someplace we definitely won't use."

"We could put the grill line over here in the middle of the deck, that's ten feet away."  He says, walking over to the spot, looking at me.

I look at the spot.  That makes total sense, I have to move a 10 foot glass table and four chairs to setup the grill each time I use it.  Right.

"No, the only place we will use it is over there.  It is either there or forget about the grill connector, I'll just go with the stove."

We stand there silently looking at the spot where I want the gas line.  They look at me as if I'd lost my mind.  Why didn't I want the tank in the middle of my yard, why didn't I want the grill connector in the middle of the deck?  Was I winning the battle?

Without a another word, we walk back downstairs standing silently in front of the garage, looking at it.  I'm screaming in my head, "HOLD THE LINE!"  Don't be uncomfortable, do battle I keep repeating in my mind.

We look at each other with out a word, finally he sighs. "We could put it over there in that corner (wait! Is that the spot I originally wanted it?) where no one sees it, then run the line along the roof of the garage to the range in the kitchen.  Guess we can't do the grill line."

I see light as the heavens opens, it is the place I wanted the tank in the first place!  "Well, I think that sounds like a great idea."  I'm imagining my victory feast with turkey legs cooked on my new stove, goblets of wine, women dancing, oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Now joyfully calling Lowes about my new range, "I've got the propane tank setup.  When can you deliver the stove?"

The Lowes employee asks, "What size is your current stove?  Is it 30 inches?"

"No, it is 24 inches, but the gas line is setup."

"We don't cut counters or cabinets for new appliances, you'll have to find a contractor for that before we deliver."

I put my armor back on, grab my shield and the yellow pages.

Teenage Blackmail Fodder - Helmet Diving

The boys and I discussed going snorkeling while in Bermuda, we even went as far as planning the day and the time.  Then, like everything else in life, things change, and like the perfect mother I profess to be, by the advice of a bartender.

Segue - Whistler PreK (pre-kids) with the hubby.  "Honey, the bartender told me skiing the glacier is like a hard blue.  Let's do it."  Two Lifts, one jay bar then a mile hike in ski boots to the edge of a cliff.  He starts calling me a few names, so I do what any good wife would do, I just jump off the ledge leaving him cussing at the top.  By the way, he survived and later at the same bar I overheard him saying, "Yep, skied a glacier."

Should I go with the advice of a bartender again?  After all, I survived skiing the glacier.

This bartender at the Dirty Onion says, "Why go snorkeling when you can do the helmet diving."

"Helmet diving?"  I'm thinking (and dating myself here) Sea Hunt?  With the gold diving helmet, the white Speedo and Lloyd Bridges?

"Yes!  You see the fish up and close, I swear that guy is friends with the fish."

Hmm.  Given the prospect of putting a 75 lb helmet on my head, going under water looking at the reef up close and personal, I'm balking a little at the money.

Taking a picture of my teenager in that helmet and using it as blackmail for the rest of his life?

I'm in.

The boat is as old as the Sea Hunt TV show, the captain welcoming us on board, only two of them, and seven shiny gold helmets.

"Are we the only ones on the boat?"  The teenager asks horrified.

Luckily for him there are six in our group as we speed out 1 mile to the reef.  I'm signing the "If you die it is not our fault" waivers and start to worry.

I don't like close spaces

I don't like being underwater

I have felt like I was growing in several of my triathlon swims.

Will I freak out?

We all sit quietly waiting, not admitting to each other that we are nervous.

As the deckhand prepares our air hoses the teenager turns to his younger brother, "Remember when you made me mad the other day?"

The youngest nods, then watches his brother pinch the air hose.

Before we could back out, we are on the ladder, the helmet, by a handle settled on our shoulders, and we climb down the latter.  All you can hear is the bubbling of the air which I take as a good sign.  We follow the ladder to the bottom, walking over to the reef.

Do you know how hard it is to walk on the bottom of the ocean with a helmet on your head while the skirt of your bathing suit rides up to your boobs.  We all looked like drunken sailors moving in the water.

The guide knows everyone one of the fish waiting for us at the reef.  Charlie the Hogfish, Dennis the Snapper, Earl the Pufferfish.  The come right up to the window of my helmet staring at me like, "Look Earl this idiot thinks she's cool down here. Look at high her bathing suit is riding up!"  They are sniffing around us for food but our guide is the only one feeding them. When it comes time for pictures, I swear these fish pose for the camera better than Madonna.  They float by in front of us, pausing, then smiling before moving on.  It's hard because the front of the helmet makes things look larger than they seem, I am hoping that is the case with my thighs.  The guide doesn't understand me when I yell, "Just take it from the waist up!"

It is a magical experience as he points out different parts of the reef, holding up signs - rock scallop, brain coral, stinging nettles until my son pinches me and I jump about 15 feet in the air, a very slow progress underwater.  I look over to both kids laughing thinking I'll post those pictures right away, not saving them for blackmail.

The dive?  An expensive 30 minutes walking around on the bottom of the reef taking in the sights from a different perspective, everyone agreed it was the highlight of the trip.

Oh and later that night when the teenager was complaining about something?  I wondered why I didn't pinch his air hose earlier that day?

Sigh

Day Two - Hotel Wars

Day Two Hotel Wars

This time the drive was much shorter, as crossing from Virginia in the Chesapeake Tunnel moved to simply looking at corn fiields.

Me, “Let’s pull off into those little towns.”

Teenage Son, “Really Mom, what is there to do in a little town.  Especially when we don’t have a good internet connection.”
Youngest son, “Did your bed bugs go away?”

Teenager starts itching.

Given the chore of booking a hotel room, I was told by the hubby, “Find us something cheap.  With a breakfast.”

So that is exactly what I did.  I found us the Knights Inn of Virginia Beach, a lovely two room suite with kitchenette and piping hot breakfast.

The boys complained the room smelled.

The boys complained that several people in the parking lot looked like pimps.

I wondered how the boys knew what pimps were.

"Will someone rob us here?"  The youngest asked.

On checking out, no one wanted the piping hot breakfast as that meant eating your food in front of the hotel manager while standing in the lobby.  We opted for just a cup of coffee.

The next day as I drove, Dad was given the job of finding the hotel room in Baltimore.

“Guess what boys!  We have a two room GRAND SPA suite at the Inn a Black Olive!”

He went through the list:

All organic hotel.  Two rooms, two beds with turkish towels and sheets. 

Jacuzzi tup

TV that actually was the twentieth century.

A complimentary bottle of gluten free/organic mountain spring water.

Rooftop deck with restaurant

I stop the car and look at my husband.  “What did you spend on that?”

He looks back at the kids and winks, “I got a deal it was only 154/night!  Thank goodness for the Baltimore Riots!”

Both boys turn to me.  “And you got us the bed bug infested Knights Inn?”

I look at everyone.  “OK, one, I was given a budget of only twenty dollars.  And two, it was Virginia Beach.”

Both kids look at me, “We need Dad to pick out the hotel rooms from now on.”

We enjoy our spa suite, walk around Fells Point, with a dinner at Charleston’s, our favorite restaurant.  Tony Foremand and Cindy Wolf started at Savanah’s back when we lived in Fells Point.  We’ve followed them from different restaurants and different experiences.  Tonight I became one of those persons on the Food Network Shows.

For my first course I had a 23 year old Pappy VanWinkles bourbon.  Woodsy but delicious.

We both had Lobster Soup - brought out as lobster in the middle of a bowl with a curry reduction around it.  The intesne broth was then poured around it creating this amazing soup.

Followed by a Mushroom Tart - mushrooms with feta cheese and sauce in a puff pastry tart covered with edive.  The nice sherry we had added a different dimension to the meal as we tasted it with the food pairing.

Frozen Custard for dessert rounded the meal perfectly, the cool cream and a nice sherry complimenting each other.

We finished the evening taking our youngest on a walk through Fells Point, funny that as we walked up to the Cat’s Eye Pub, we left a friend sitting on those marble steps over 20 years ago, and as we walked up there he was sitting in the same place so many years later.  I wish we could say that neither of us had changed.

I am going to tell the children that I chose the room for this cruise, I really need to pick things up a notch.

WTF - Travel John? Day One Road Trip

Road Trip

There is nothing like having the time for a road trip, especially a by-way road trip.  This year we are traveling to Baltimore from Beaufort, NC and decided rather than suffering through the traffic of I-95, traveling down the shores of North Carolina, Virginia, Delaware and Maryland.  Hence, the by-way, the slow way, the family bonding way.

Our trip started with the ferry from Cedar Point to Ocracoke Island of North Carolina.  Did you know that Ocracoke got its name from Blackbeard?  Story goes that Blackbeard wanted to use Ocracoke as a hiding point for his booty (my boys laughed at that statement) and when he arrived ashore seeing only sand everywhere he yelled to the sky, “Oh Crow Cock”  Boys again enjoyed hearing their mother say “cock.”

The ferry was running late due to the Coast Guard not arriving on time to inspect the boat.

“Why do we have to sit here?”

“It’s getting hot.”

“Does anyone know what is going on?” 

The teenager complains.

Me?  I decide to take the younger, more open to traveling child and let him skimboard the beach while we wait.  There’s even a shower for rinsing off before boarding the ferry once it is ready to go. 

The ride from Cedar Point to Ocracoke is 2 hours.

“Why is it so long?”

“What am I going to do with no cell phone reception?”

“It’s hot in here.”

“Are there any snacks?”

The teenager complains.

Ocracoke is a small island completely taken over by tourists for the summer.  Most either riding golf carts or bicycles and not paying attention to anyone walking along the road.

“Hey, let’s rent a golf cart?”  I say.

“That’s be COOL!”  The youngest says.

“That’s stupid.” The teenager replies.

We decide to walk, or kids not paying attention to the golf carts and bicycles trying to run them down by the side of the road.

“Look at all these cool stores and buildings” I say.

“What are we eating for lunch?”  The teenager replies.

The youngest decides he needs zinc on his face.  The teenager looks at him with the orange all over his face then rolls his eyes.  Add in a Surf's Up bucket hat and the teenager tries pulling it off his head, throwing it out the window.  The youngest keeps the hat, staring at his brother making funny faces.

We have a nice lunch at the Jolly Roger Restaurant, then hop in the car for a drive to the Hatteras Ferry.  Which the boys enjoy calling “HatterASS.”

The ferry from Ocracoke to Hatteras is a quicker 30 minutes.  One idiot waiting for the ferry decides on feeding the seagulls.  Bad idea as the birds descend on their car, reminding me of a film by Hitchcock I watched a long time ago.

The drive through the Outer Banks was full of sights.  

 “Did you know that all the names are from Indians?  Maneo?”

“Why name it something you can’t say?”  The teenager replies.

I make the family stop at the different light houses.  “Did you know that the black and white design of the lighthouse is different with each one?”  I explain to the family as we pull into a second one.

“You’ve see one lighthouse, you’ve seen them all.”  The teenager replies, and decides to fall asleep.

The highlight of the drive for the youngest was not all the great sights, but the opportunity to use the Travel John portable urinal in the car.  We stopped so I could go to the bathroom and I swear he specifically waited until we pulled out announcing he had to go to the bathroom.

The hubby, exasperated said, “You’ll just have to use the “Travel John Portable Urinal” thinking it would horrify the youngest.

Instead he got excited!  “Really?  Can I?”

So we hand it back, he opens it reading the directions to us, “Open, press against the body or mouth for throw up. The Absorbabeads collect liquid in the collection pouch.”

He opens the bag, using it as the teenager opens his eyes.  The look on his face was priceless, “Ugggghhhh!”

Once done the youngest is amazed, “Look the absorbaBeads made it disappear!”

“Now what are you going to do with that?”  The teenager askes.

“Put it by you.”  The youngest replies.

There is a small fight in back seat of the car.

Nothing like solving the curiosity of a boy with a portable urinal.  Everyone puts me in charge of finding out “cheap, but nice hotel with a piping hot breakfast.”   My first website was the Midway Marina and Lodge, with a nice $80/night price tag and a restaurant called Crabbies next to it.  Located in Coinjock, everyone agrees it sounds nice, so we drive down a side road in search.  After passing through two trailer parks, we pull up on a dump everyone looking horrified when the guy walked out in a sweaty wife beater shirt and no shoes.  

“Dad, it’s a drug dealer, punch it!” the teenager says.

Finally in Virginia Beach, a 3.5 star hotel with a 2 star price!  Well, you get what you pay for, as Max sprays my essential oil around the room and the teenager says, “I thought tube televisions went by the way of the dinosaur.”

Before we go to sleep, the teenager opens his eyes, looks at his brother, "What did you do with that pee pouch?"

The youngest just laughs.

Another night in paradise.

Day two of the road trip, the teenager wakes up saying, “Why am I itching?”

“Maybe it’s bed bugs.” the youngest replies.

It’s gonna be a great day.