WTF - The Silent Treatment

Trying to put in a new stove, is a lesson in carts and horses, and carrots.  I start with the trip to Lowes for appliance shopping (Insert my squeal of glee here).  I find exactly what I want, put in the order then find out I am putting the cart before the horse, holding a carrot.

"So do you have the gas installed?"
"No."
"What size is your current appliance?"
"I don't know."
The appliance guy looks at me and sighs, "You'll have to have the gas company out to survey and put in the tank.  Then measure what you have and make sure this appliance will fit.  I'll put it on hold for you."

I call the gas company, setting up my appointment.  Gas companies are like satellite network companies, the guys come out and plop the thing in the worst possible place.  When I lived in Georgia, the satellite guy came, I went to the grocery store and found the dish in the middle of my front yard for "great reception."  Later after much arguing I found out the installer was afraid of heights and didn't want to crawl onto the roof of my home.  Was this going to be a battle?  If so, It was one I was going to win.

The gas company sent out two warriors on their plan to put a propane tank as an eyesore somewhere on my property.  I, only a lone warrior myself, prepared my battle plan.  I'd watched Hercules the night before, as I saw them marching towards me in formation I silently said, "Hold the line.  Do not budge."

We introduced ourselves, then stood around in silence.  Finally, I couldn't stand it, "So, we are looking for a propane tank for a stove and a connection to the grill."

They looked at me, then at each other.  What were they thinking?  Oh, this will be fun, let's get this chick to put a tank by her front door.  Finally one said, "Let's take a walk around the property."

I envisioned holding up my shield as we walked around the property.  They stopped, "Here is a good spot for the tank, it will be easy to fill from here."

I look at the spot, right next to the house, where everyone can see it, including Beech Mountain who would cite me for eyesore and require lattice built around it.  "No, we want it back here behind the house."  I point to the area.

They both stand there looking where I pointed, not saying a word.  What are they thinking now?  I must hold the line.  Maybe it isn't the right place?  Maybe we could put it where they said, they are the experts.  No, hold the line, put it in the back.  So we all stand there for a few minutes in silence looking at the place I want the tank.  I just look with them, holding my tongue, screaming inside my head.

They walk, I follow them.  "We could go in the back yard, on a platform with the lattice around it.  That way it is off the street."

I look at them.  "Then I'll be sitting on my back porch looking at a propane tank rather than the forest.  I want it over there by the garage where no one will see it."

Silence again.  We all stand there looking into the woods.  I'm wondering what they see, what is the next battle strategy?

Without a word, we walk up on the porch, he points to where the oven line would come out, asking about the grill line.  I show him the spot where we grill.

"The grill line has to be ten feet from the structure." He says quietly.

We all stand and stare at the place I want the grill line, 9 feet 34 inches.  It is a silent battle, I think they want me to say, "Oh, OK put the grill line on the front of the house then, someplace we definitely won't use."

"We could put the grill line over here in the middle of the deck, that's ten feet away."  He says, walking over to the spot, looking at me.

I look at the spot.  That makes total sense, I have to move a 10 foot glass table and four chairs to setup the grill each time I use it.  Right.

"No, the only place we will use it is over there.  It is either there or forget about the grill connector, I'll just go with the stove."

We stand there silently looking at the spot where I want the gas line.  They look at me as if I'd lost my mind.  Why didn't I want the tank in the middle of my yard, why didn't I want the grill connector in the middle of the deck?  Was I winning the battle?

Without a another word, we walk back downstairs standing silently in front of the garage, looking at it.  I'm screaming in my head, "HOLD THE LINE!"  Don't be uncomfortable, do battle I keep repeating in my mind.

We look at each other with out a word, finally he sighs. "We could put it over there in that corner (wait! Is that the spot I originally wanted it?) where no one sees it, then run the line along the roof of the garage to the range in the kitchen.  Guess we can't do the grill line."

I see light as the heavens opens, it is the place I wanted the tank in the first place!  "Well, I think that sounds like a great idea."  I'm imagining my victory feast with turkey legs cooked on my new stove, goblets of wine, women dancing, oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Now joyfully calling Lowes about my new range, "I've got the propane tank setup.  When can you deliver the stove?"

The Lowes employee asks, "What size is your current stove?  Is it 30 inches?"

"No, it is 24 inches, but the gas line is setup."

"We don't cut counters or cabinets for new appliances, you'll have to find a contractor for that before we deliver."

I put my armor back on, grab my shield and the yellow pages.