Does this Spelunking Helmet make me look fat?

This one was NOT my idea, this one came from my son.  As I looked at the brochure, I figured looks like a nice hike through a cave, so I went and signed us up for Spelunking adventure at Worley's Cave in TN.  Our adventure started at 10am at the River Outpost of Raft Cave Hike.

We pull up to a garage, a garage at the address, everyone is looking at each other wondering, who's the guide.  When our guides pull up in a van.  They get out, wave to us, then push a piece of wood away on the garage door as his entry into what otherwise was a locked building.

"He looks like a kid," I whisper to Wolfgang.
"No, he's old.  He looks like he's 28 or something," he says back so I don't feel much better when the "kid" turns to us and says, "I'm your guide!"

We sign away our lives in waivers then drive another 20 minutes to the mouth of the cave.  Brody, the kid hands out helmets and after we put them on asks, "Everyone ready to Spelunk?"

We all yell "Yeah!"  He turns to me, "You're not going to be able to see very far, your helmet is on backwards."  Dork moment passes as I turn my helmet and put it on correctly.

We walk to the mouth of the cave, they open a big steel door, Brody turns to us, "It's to keep the bears out, but also to lock you in!"  He laughs but I can feel my heart start to speed up.  I wonder, "What does that mean?"

We step in, they close the gate with a CLANK behind us and as I walk in, I feel a full blown panic attack come on.  My mouth goes dry, my skin starts to crawl, my legs feel week and I cannot break - back to the way I felt on the swim start of my 2nd half ironman.  I start to yell out, "Wait, I can't do this."  But keep putting one shaking step in front of the other, thinking, "I've paid to do this, the kids will kill me if I pull them out.  Come on, you know you can do this."  I stop and let most pass me, start to turn and go back then stop again.  Finally after a few deep breathes, I figure, "What the hay, I've been through worse."

Our first passage is the birth canal.  I'm in the back and can only hear "birth canal" and "roll."  I turn to someone around me, "What does that mean?"

Our first space to get through is between two very large rocks, we must lie on our backs and roll (with the other rock right in front of our face) through what felt like 6 miles (a few yards) to get into the cave. I don't think about the miles of rock above me, I don't think about how I cannot go back now, I don't think about smashing the snack crackers I have in my back pack, I'm only thinking about how dizzy I feel rolling through the mud to get to the prize (a space we can stand up in again.)

We walk into the cave and I figure the way I'm going to survive this is focus on the headbeam light in front of me and that's it.  Like running sometimes, just put one foot in front of the other until you reach the end.  The floor of the cave is made of slippery mud with some footholes to find purchase, but for the most part you're on your own.

We stand at the top of a rather large bolder.  Brody (the kid) says to me, "Best way down is on your butt."
I look at him, "What does that mean?"
"Slide down on your butt and you'll go slow, slide on your feet and you'll fly down, it's up to you."
The kids all say, "COOL" and fly down the tall rock.
I figure I've got the most padding on my butt, and I really like slow at the moment so down I go with a nice tearing feeling in my pants.  Guess Ann Taylor Loft didn't make khakis for caving adventures.

We learn about the 3 point contact system, (what does that mean?) at any point during your hike three points of your body should be in contact with something.  I started with the "Ewww I'm getting really muddy," to the "I LOVE the 3 point contact system and prefer the butt method of getting down the hills."  I came to love my butt (I usually don't) because it's voluminous quality made each of my slides quite slow and easy.

The group we were with LOVED hiking with 4 boys.  Each climb consisted of a pushing and shoving match on who went first, each slide had one falling into the one ahead and laughing about it.  Each tight space as we all stared at it had a boy next to them saying, "That's nothing," as they went and played money up the slippery surface while we were on our hands and knees trying to get up to where they were.  The most adventurous?  Max!  He was in heaven there, so much so I paid the guide an extra twenty bucks to just stay close to him to keep him alive.

Phrases I will never forget from our trip:  (and what they mean)

It's a little slippery - mean you are definitely going to bust your butt.
Just go for it - means you are going to bust it again so why not try and get as far up the climb before your do.
Woo hoo - means answer me back to make sure everyone is here.
The ledge is your friend - hold on tight and don't look down.
Time to Roll - hello claustaphobia it's happy to meet you again.

We made it through 2.5 hours of boulders, ledges, rocks, slipping, sliding - through 3 floors of the cave, each climb up hitting my knees and elbows trying to make, each slide down pulling more at the hole in the butt of my pants.  We hit the river at the bottom and waded in knee deep freezing water back around to the mouth of the cave and the gate that clanked shut oh so long ago.

I was so glad that I pushed through that mind bending fear and kept putting one foot in front of the other.  I felt the same rush of adreneline from a great run that I actually survived the journey.  I looked at the tired, completely mud covered faces of the kids with me and we all grinned together.

"Man, that was awesome," I said as they all nodded with me.

"Can we go back and do it again today," Max asked Brody the guide.

Ever had an adventure that didn't really look like the brochure at all?