Taking Care of the Small Stuff

The hubby and I were sitting and talking about how life can throw so many things your way and how you deal with them.

"You know, I can't think of any time either one of us really fell apart?  I guess we are lucky."  He says.

"I know, I think when my parents died and all the lawsuits that came with it, that could have caused me to fall off a cliff but I didn't let that happen."

Thinking about that conversation, I think there are a few things that helped keep my sanity when things should have fallen apart.

1.  Don't let the little stuff bother you.  Seriously, if you start stressing on the little stuff, when the big boulders roll along you'll never be able to handle it.  So what if your child doesn't have his life plan in order by the time he's, say 13.  He'll figure it out.

2.  Be flexible.  Life is all about Plan B, there is always a change to everything that happens, good and bad!  You have to learn to roll with the punches, even if it means that your favorite restaurant is closed (the new one you tried was a keeper!) or when an ailing parent asks you to cook something that requires a trip to the grocery store and a revamp of your plans?  Flexibility because looking at their face when they tasted what they wanted made all the inconvenience worth it.

3.  Remember this too shall pass.  When you are sitting in the shit, be it toddlers diapers, older child's stomach virus, to elder parents diaper, this too shall pass.  And being in that moment reminds them that you love them enough to put up with their shit.

4.  Let them be a person.  Kids want to be independent, parents as they get older want to be independent.  Let them be that way.  Take care of the business that needs taken care of but let them still feel they are independent, they will thank you because you give the the biggest gift, their identity.

5.  Hold true to yourself.  Don't lose your identity to another person.  Whether it is being Mom to a family, to being a caregiver to a family member, keep your identity intact.  You need to take time to be yourself, even if that means sitting quietly in an art gallery collecting your thoughts.  If you lose yourself to the task you are there because you have to be, not because you want to be.

6.  Know that time goes by fast.  Children grow up and move away.  Adults eventually pass to the other side.  Every moment that you are with them is something to tuck away in your memory banks.  make the best of a bad situation, read the newspaper when chemo is making them sick, put them in a wheelchair and get out and get fresh air, give them space to breathe.  Let them know that you are there if they need you, but don't take over the custodial role.

7.  Compartmentalize.  This allows you to live in the moment and deal with what is front of you rather than freaking out over the big picture.  When they were babies, it was, "OK, I can handle a few nights of no sleep," nothing thinking for the next 3 months I will not sleep.  When they are older and parents are going over diagnosis, treatment plans that involve weeks, months, years look at the task at hand and do your best with that.  Eventually all these little steps in caring for children and taking care of adults become a beautiful big picture that you are proud of.

8.  Laugh.  It is the best natural stress reliever.  When my Mom and Dad were sick, we watched funny movies each night, letting things go with laughter.  When my kids were little and I was ordering a meal at an outdoor restaurant while my baby shit straight out of his diaper into my lap, I laughed and kept on ordering.  Laughter is the best medicine when dealing with medicine, laughter lets you feel human again because it is always followed with a big intake of breath - a cleanse.

So think about perspective because I do every single day.  I look at the problem then compare it with the upheavals in my life, praying as they did CPR on a child that drowned, carrying a child with a broken leg for 6 weeks, sitting with my mother as they told her she had under 4 months to live, joking with my father that it is not "keno" it is "chemo," then dealing with greed and lawyers and losing what was your parents legacy.  Sucks?  Sure it does.  Does it make me a better person, I hate to admit it but yes.  Would I do it again, oh hell to the no.  But based on the lessons learned above, I am the person you know now.  So if your problem is whether or not you make a grade or your sports team wins or the wrong college acceptance letter.  There is a reason every single thing in your life happens.

You can let situations in life get the better of you, or you can take Plan b or d or g and continue on.  Either way life is going to continue on, whether you purchased a ticket for the bus or not.  As for me?  I'm getting on and continuing down the road.

What are some of your ways for coping?