WTF -- Do not watch a movie with the hubby!

Note to self-do not watch any movie involving airplanes and helicopters with Jeff Melang​.

We watched San Andreas with The Rock

To me, I'm just looking to be entertained, great visual effects of San Francisco demolished, the Hoover Dam collapsing, and of course the best visual effect - The Rock or Dwayne Johnson.

My husband on the other hand, the man that always reminds me during every SCIFI movie that you cannot have explosions in space due to lack of oxygen, saw a different movie.  It did not help that the movie included a Dodge Caravan airplane, one that Jeff sells on a regular basis.

"What ! The Caravan does not sound like a piston engine when it starts."
"They should have already run out of fuel by now."
"That interior doesn't look right."

I ignored most of the comments he made until he totally lost it on one part:

"There is NO SUCH THING as a HOVER button on a helicopter!  I'm writing a letter."

He went on to research the helicopter, and talk about the "Hover" button for the rest of the movie.

I guess he was watching for all the mechanical parts of the movie for accuracy because he totally missed that the Rock had a completely lily white family.

How they survive explosions with blood all over their face, then are completely clean the next scene, we didn't even see the extra tub of Pampers wipes somewhere in the helicopter.

Or how their clothes could take so much abuse from explosions and fire and other parts of the disaster and stay in one piece?  I want Spankz made out of that material.

There is so many ways the Rock and his family get out of disaster after disaster that it almost didn't seem real but then I remembered....

It was the Rock, so of course it was real.

All in all a great entertaining movie, just do go into the details.

WTF - My Fall To-Do List vs. Reality

In case you haven't noticed, it's Fall Ya'll!  And in order for my family to have the proper fall experience, I've made my bucket list.  Insert long family sigh here, because I've now moved from the Summer Nazi to the Fall Nazi.

Create your bucket list of fall activities they say.

It will be fun, they say.

1.  Apple Picking and Cider -  skipping through the orchards as a family, holding hands commenting on the beautiful fall colors.

Reality - arguing to the orchard.  Someone getting stung by a bee because of all the rotten apples under the trees, the other moaning about the awful smell of rotten apples, arguing on the way home.

2.  Go on a hayride - beautiful fall day, singing Kumbaya riding together as a family.

Reality - sitting on hay bales remembering how stray pieces of hay actually can puncture through your pants to the Haunted Maze,  getting the shit scared out of me by some freaky clown, chased by dudes with chainsaws, sitting on the uncomfortable hayride back to your car.  Oh, and paying big bucks for the experience.

3.  Eat Pumpkin Pie - a touch of pumpkin pie to celebrate the season.

Reality - the whole pumpkin pie, 1,264 Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Pumpkin bread, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin blonde brownies, pumpkin gnocchi, oh and of course, pumpkin beer. Why are my jeans tight?

4. Go on a nature walk - ride the Blue Ridge Parkway getting the perfect Instagram picture of the leaves.

Reality - kids arguing in the car, no one wanting to walk UP the trail because that's work. The dog puking in the car from all the turns, finally doing it by myself taking a selfie for Instagram.

5.  Carve a Pumpkin. Find beautiful carving templates on Pinterest, buy special carving tools including a drill bit for detail, buy 4 pumpkins because you want to "theme" your carvings and each family member should carve their own pumpkin.

Reality - two pumpkins get stolen by the bears.  One falls off the porch smashing, the last is lucky getting two triangle eyes, one triangle nose, and some type of toothless mouth, delete Pinterest board you created because it makes you feel lame.

6. Wood burning fire with s'mores,  hot chocolate and good times.

Reality - 16 firestarters used creating the fires. One child almost setting the other on fire holding the flaming marshmallow to close to his hair.  No one likes burnt marshmallows.  Realizing I ate most of the chocolate that day so we are rationing the s'mores. Everyone complaining about the smoke of the fire, finally retiring inside because it is too cold.

7. Make Caramel Apples from Orchard Visit (see #1) bonding time in the kitchen melting caramel, picking out types of nuts making a sweet treat we sit around the table eating and talking.

Reality - Mom ate all the caramel.  Apples are better for you without candy on them.

Finally, that Thanksgiving month where you are supposed to post every day what you are thankful for, a lesson learning gratitude and that what you have is enough.

Reality - Running out of things to say after Day 10.

What's your Fall Bucket List?  Do things ever go as planned?

WTF - To Think I Used To Care.....

How do you know you've matured as a Mom?  Here's some good indications:

Your son walks by saying, "I can't remember the last time I showered." Rather than freaking out you think, "That's why there hasn't been so much laundry."

I now use my skill at changing dates on licenses in college to changing expiration dates on food in my fridge because we all know they are SELL BY dates, you still have at least 3 months after that.

I stopped buying anything white when my children were born. Because the process of bleaching and cleaning it much more complicated than throwing everything in together with two slabs of softener.

I don't think it is strange watching my son walk around the house with the Pepsi box on his head.  It is keeping him busy. Priorities.

I don't think it is creepy finding small smiling tooth boxes in my car with teeth still in them.  This is the staging area until I finally remember they are there and move them to another staging area in the house.

My Identa-Kid for both kids is from 2009.  Not because that is the only picture of them smiling, but that was the last time I remembered sending the money in on time.

I am very good at closing doors on problems.  Specifically both of my boys' rooms and their bathroom.  

I am convinced Lunchables are not just for Lunch any more.

When giving my son instructions, I must be precise.  "Unload the laundry from the washer into the dryer. Put the pile of crap in front of the washer in the washer.  ADD detergent (the blue bottle up top)  Close the doors.                           Oh, an TURN BOTH washer and dryer on."  (Paid for omitting that last instruction once)

I always keep a toothbrush, toothpaste and bottle of water in my car.  That's for me.  Are you kidding, I'd never let them touch that, you don't know where their teeth have been.

Finally, I am wondering if I should just throw away their baby books.  They can remember how happy and wonderful their childhood was, rather than noticing how lame their Mom was.......

But I kept everyone alive, that's an accomplishment?

Oh, who counts the errant plant!

WTF Cheers to us non Helicopter Moms

It is amazing how quickly you can go from front and center of Mom Central to the woman in the yoga pants, with the meth looking hairdo, throwing your kids out of the car in the carpool line screaming,

"Run you mothers!  RUUUUNNNNN!"

I do stop, picking up the crap including a few moldy Happy Meal toys they kicked out of the car sprinting for the closing door.  I'm not a litterer.

For some reason, I can make it to the school much quicker than the other Moms I talk to in the carpool line.  Or maybe they are politely telling me I am a terrible driver.

There are helicopter Moms, then there are Moms like me:

I'm that one finding out about the fundraiser, when my son comes home saying everyone got the little rubber ducky, or monkey, or polar bear or whatever it was but me.

I'm like.

"There was a fundraiser?  You never gave me the information?"

Of course the little shit, pulls the envelope out of the big pile of recycling in the pantry.

I read it over.

Oh please, there is no way all those other parents sold $216.27 dollars worth of shit for the little plastic animal necklace, let alone that kid actually collecting all 7!

They paid off the school.  How do I know? Because I was guilty enough one year doing it. I filled out the student fundraising sheet with a bunch of names and addresses, keeping all 16 tubs of cookie dough for myself. Did the school care?  Not one bit!  How did I know?  I put names like

Chris P. Bacon
Ima Burnbutts
Bob Roberts
Ura Johnson
Not a single family member because, hey, some are in the same school district, I could get outed by the chairman of the fundraising committee saying to my sister in law, "Did you enjoy the white chocolate macadamia nut cookie dough?"

The school expects that from us lame parents. But hey, they get their money, I gain about 15 pounds eating cookie dough raw (because that's what I do) and we are all happy.

Now, I'm on duty for the school dance, my son cheerfully explains to me. "You are a chaperone!"

Oh God.  A dance, wasn't he learning to walk yesterday? Putting the ruler between the boy and girl dancing? (Really, I grew up in Catholic School, your school didn't do this?)

When is the dance?  I ask.
I don't know, he replied. An apple not too far from the tree.

So I turn to Google.  Did you know the Halloween Dance at my son's school was on the 1st in 2012, and again on the 31st in 2013?  I can find every date except for 2015.  I'm trying really hard not being  that Mom.

"So, when is the school dance?" I write to the teacher.
"Did you not see the flyer, the dance RSVP was due two days ago." The teacher replies.
"Can I bribe you with some cookie dough to sneak him in?" I ask.

Luckily, I didn't procrastinate enough, the school replied they don't have a date yet.

Whew!  I'm one step ahead of the game.

Might as well celebrate with some cookie dough.

Disclaimer: Don't mention the cookie dough to my kids. They may realize some of it is expired and we still have 2 tubs to go.